-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
I know that I'm more articulate in writing than conversing, mainly because with writing, I can go back and edit as much as I like till I know deep down what my heart is truly trying to say. I've always felt that writing comes more from the heart, because in conversing, you pretty much listen to your mind and whatever your mind feels like saying at the moment. It can be easily influenced by the situation at hand, unfortunately something I know way too much about.
Nevertheless, what I'm about to say is truly genuine. It's not about the writing, it's not about the shock value, and it's not even about how articulate I can make it. Last night I had my heart broken five times. With each word spoken came another dagger, and with that dagger the pain of losing a loved one and a best friend; a pain that I would never want someone close to me to feel. As of now, I'm still choking from it--unable to eat, unable to function, only able to pour my heart out to a faceless, internet audience and maybe if God answers my prayers--you.
Unfortunately, this pain may have been well deserved. I made mistakes. I tripped, I got angry, I handled things the wrong way. I complained too much. I was unable to see the good in the situations before me, and now that good is gone. Although hopefully it's not gone for good.
I'm not a perfect man. I get scared of commitment. I get scared of the future. I'm only a God-fearing man, but my faith dwindles every now and then. I only wish you could journey inside of me and see yourself the way I see you, in spite of what my actions or words are. I look to you to see the truth, I look to you for a reason to believe in love, even when the night is darkest. And what makes you so special, so rare amongst the others out there is how easy it comes for you to show this.
Lilly Ann, you were my precious jewel that lit up my darkness. I know you've fallen out of love with me, but I pray you can at least help me mend my broken heart by reading this and at least knowing that beneath the grimness, I loved you more than anything. I pray for your patience, your kindness, and that one day you allow me to elicit feelings of self worth, non-envy within you. No more anger. No more fighting. I pray some day I can protect you, that you can trust me, and that our hope for a better future can be preserved. I love you.
Always have and always will, no matter how this ends.