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A prayer to mend a broken heart   
09:24am 11/06/2009
  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I know that I'm more articulate in writing than conversing, mainly because with writing, I can go back and edit as much as I like till I know deep down what my heart is truly trying to say. I've always felt that writing comes more from the heart, because in conversing, you pretty much listen to your mind and whatever your mind feels like saying at the moment. It can be easily influenced by the situation at hand, unfortunately something I know way too much about.

Nevertheless, what I'm about to say is truly genuine. It's not about the writing, it's not about the shock value, and it's not even about how articulate I can make it. Last night I had my heart broken five times. With each word spoken came another dagger, and with that dagger the pain of losing a loved one and a best friend; a pain that I would never want someone close to me to feel. As of now, I'm still choking from it--unable to eat, unable to function, only able to pour my heart out to a faceless, internet audience and maybe if God answers my prayers--you.

Unfortunately, this pain may have been well deserved. I made mistakes. I tripped, I got angry, I handled things the wrong way. I complained too much. I was unable to see the good in the situations before me, and now that good is gone. Although hopefully it's not gone for good.

I'm not a perfect man. I get scared of commitment. I get scared of the future. I'm only a God-fearing man, but my faith dwindles every now and then. I only wish you could journey inside of me and see yourself the way I see you, in spite of what my actions or words are. I look to you to see the truth, I look to you for a reason to believe in love, even when the night is darkest. And what makes you so special, so rare amongst the others out there is how easy it comes for you to show this.

Lilly Ann, you were my precious jewel that lit up my darkness. I know you've fallen out of love with me, but I pray you can at least help me mend my broken heart by reading this and at least knowing that beneath the grimness, I loved you more than anything. I pray for your patience, your kindness, and that one day you allow me to elicit feelings of self worth, non-envy within you. No more anger. No more fighting. I pray some day I can protect you, that you can trust me, and that our hope for a better future can be preserved. I love you.

Always have and always will, no matter how this ends.
 
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The Mojonixon Manifesto   
10:35am 09/06/2009
  I'm going to tell you how to live your life, not because I like you, not because I care, but because if anyone else told you so, they'd be way more out of their fucking mind than me. I'm the exception to the rule, so pull up a chair and give me your undivided attention.

I've always felt that when you are born and the doctor slaps you on the ass, it's awfully symbolic of how the world will treat you. The only thing missing is him saying, "Welcome to earth, where for the next 74 or so years you will be fucked on a daily basis in that tingling area i just hit. Here is your mom's medical bill. Looks like Stanford won't be in your future."

Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but can you honestly not think of a better analogy? I'm an optimist, and yet for some reason after all is said and done I can't help but recite the timeless cliches of how terrible the world is. I'm sorry, but I've run out of chances to give to "other" people. For once, give yourself a chance and to hell with everyone else. This is what you need to do.

First off, make the world an even bigger cesspool than it already is. Do what you like, say what you like, and try to piss off as many people as possible while doing it. Especially people that are full of themselves and believe strongly in things. Crush their world. Crush their happiness. Most people's happiness impedes yours in some way or another. Consider happiness like a natural resource--it's not as readily available for some as it is for others. The less people that have happiness means a greater chance for your happiness.

Secondly, tell a lot of lies. Lie to yourself, lie to your friends, lie to your family. The world is what you make of it, so construct your world and your truths to fulfill your needs and the way you see things fit. Because let's face it, it's way too boring and depressing the other way. Enjoy living in a fantasy world, because although a fantasy world it may be, it's way better than this one and probably has free cable.

I never understood why in life we always have to make the best of every situation. That's equivalent to playing a game of poker and being dealt the worst hand while trying to go all-in on it. Why can't we face the simple truth? It's a terrible hand, it's not going to win you anything, and it just sucks!
 
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1234 Somethin' new!   
11:54pm 18/05/2009
  I'm writing this entry as a final and futile attempt to organize (or at the very least express) the thoughts I'm feeling right now. Granted, although there are about a thousand of them jousting their way to the front of the good'ol cortex, I at least want to give some of them their proper due. So without anymore superflous attempts at sounding intellectual, witty, artsy, European, whatever, I give you my newest nugget of joy in 257 weeks of living:

Worm Holes, Manic Depressives, and Your Bitchassness


Christopher G. Peña




"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years."---Chris Rock

Although I was never diagnosed as a manic depressive, it almost feels as if I end up going that route in some way or another. This moment, as x approaches 2:25 AM on Tuesday--May 19th--2009, I'm swept with this trinormous wave of depression. Depression for trying to deal with the fact that I'm making a futile attempt at reliving the past via this website. Depression for leaving my family for the first time in my entire life. Depression for kissing San Antonio---and everything that it meant to me (both good & bad)---goodbye.

I guess you could say I'm terrible at letting go. For me, saying goodbye is the equivalent of playing charades with a quadriplegic: futile, embarassing, and downright hilarious! It's funny how when I browse my older entries, I read nothing but complaints about wanting to get the shit out of SA. In retrospect, I guess that complaining is easy and fun to do when you are a college student, have pretty much everything paid for and neednot worry about adult-hood. That's the beauty of college, you have every excuse to daydream and bullshit without society's bitchassness coming down on you. (more on Bitchassness later)

Unfortunately, life happens, worm holes happen (more on those later), and you are left sitting at your computer at 2:45AM typing on live-fucking journal. Haha live-fucking journal. Anyways, my reasoning behind pointing the contradiction between my past feelings and current feelings is to illustrate that I've grown up somewhat. I pay bills now, and it fucking blows. I pay my own car insurance, and it fucking blows. I'm going to graduate school in Dallas, and that city blows. So because of this "growing up" that I've done within the past 257 weeks, I realize now how every decision I make will cause some serious ripple in the future affecting myself, my beautiful girlfriend Lilly (shout out :D), and the rest of my loved ones.

That too also fucking blows.

Why? Because of the doubts and uncertainties I feel if none of this works out. What if grad school sucks? What if a family member dies while I'm in Dallas? What if Obama is shot in Dallas, resulting in Texas seceeding from the US, then engages in war with Canada, and is subsequently bombed for their overall bitchassness (more on bitchaness later) by the United States? It's all too much!

Hyperbole aside, I honestly don't know whether or not this grad school thing is the right fit for me. A wormhole took me to that decision, so the decision itself cannot be trusted in my eyes. Before you ask:

In physics, a wormhole is a hypothetical topological feature of spacetime that is fundamentally a 'shortcut' through space and time. Spacetime can be viewed as a 2D surface (to simplify understanding) that, when 'folded' over, allows the formation of a wormhole bridge. A wormhole has at least two mouths that are connected to a single throat or tube. If the wormhole is traversable, matter can 'travel' from one mouth to the other by passing through the throat. While there is no observational evidence for wormholes, spacetimes containing wormholes are known to be valid solutions in general relativity.--from "Wormhole" def. on Wikipedia

Have you seen the movie Contact? You know that part where Jodie Foster is in the space machine, and she flies really fast (kinda while on an acid trip) and ends up talking with a holographic image of her father before returning to earth? It was all recorded in about like 8 seconds of Earth time, but relative to her it was like 16 hours? That's what I feel these past 257 weeks have been like. I've been on a wild ride through space and time, experiencing beauty, pain, joy, Facebook, Panda Express, and halographic images of your mom! All of a sudden, my joyride ends and I am warped into the present time and it feels as if no time has gone by at all. Worse, I don't even know my motives for half the things I'm doing right now. Everything just went by so fast!

(more later, time for bed)
 
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update   
04:40am 15/05/2006
  man i need to start LJ writing again. i can't write artsy and cute anymore because i've been reading and writing science reports the whole damn semester. meh.

complaints aside, my mom won a $5000 shopping spree at rolling oaks mall last week. the contest was through the SA spurs organization. we had 1 hour to hit up as many stores as humanly possible with that god damn spurs coyote chasing us. it was fun, but i really do hate that coyote. he'd get in our way and distract the cashiers and delay the time we had to go between stores. too bad he didn't know i was a lakers fan...muahahha. anyway, when all was said and done, i ended up getting an FM transmitter, some nice preppy clothes from american eagle, ipod accesories, pumas, and a $200 lightsaber. plus, i may get my eyebrow pierced from this piercing store they have down there. yay for being rebellious. as for everyone else, mom got herself a nice ass purse and some jewelry--as did my sister. dad splurged on the powertools and yard shit. we just bought my nephew, well, books...lawl. poor kid didn't realize we probably had enough cash to buy him a library of PS2 games, but education and reading is more important at his age. it was my idea. i'd be such a good father. i want to be your baby's daddy. fuck i need a woman in my life.

anyway, i'm proud of my nephew thus far. he's about to finish kindergarten and he's the best reader in his class according to his teacher. he just needs to work on his behavior, but so do most kids his age. he's really into trains right now...i have no idea why. maybe he'll be an engineer when he grows up. when i was young, i wanted to be an astronaut. i still kinda do, but you have to be a math/engineering person for that kind of that. now that im done with physics, i really hope to never set foot in a math class again.

in other news, i haven't made up my mind yet about arlington...although i'm about 70% sure im going. i need some fancy research to put on my resume. claiborne's lab was good, but this should be the icing on the cake. i'm still undecided about the whole premed thing though. at this point i'll just see where everything takes me. if i dont do arlington, i'll probably try to cram in some summer classes this semester.

uhh yeah that's it. bye.
 
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04:04pm 07/04/2006
  im just meh right now.

people can be so god damn rude. or maybe im too sensitive. i dont know.
 
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04:04pm 07/04/2006
  im just meh right now.

people can be so god damn rude. or maybe im too sensitive. i dont know.
 
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smashing pumpkins - 33   
10:03pm 11/03/2006
  wow this is like the most depressing song on the planet.

lawl.
 
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*vent*   
12:46am 31/01/2006
  i hate my fucking life.

i wish i was dead.

not really

but you get the idea.
 
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does anybody update this thing anymore?   
11:18pm 15/01/2006
  Crazy how LJ faded out of existence.  
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it's over   
02:08am 14/12/2005
  this was possibly the hardest, most frustrating semester i've endured thus far. i'm glad to be finished.  
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bah   
03:06pm 26/11/2005
  Thanksgiving break is such a tease. Thursday I didn't really do anything except stay home and eat turkey while the family came over. I'm not one to socialize with them. I mean, they're cool and all, but there is a big generation gap between myself and my oldest cousins. It's too weird trying to engage in some kind of conversation with them. Instead of doing so, I stayed in my room nearly the entire day reading research journals on the hippocampus and working on my SI session plans. Yay fun.

Friday proved to be as eventful as the previous day. Only this time, I actually went to the movies with my younger cousins (on my dad's side). Being that one of them is 12, we had to settle for something gay and stupid. You guessed it, Harry Potter! I still don't understand why this franchise is so popular. It reminds of that crappy song Who Let the Dogs Out, only it's a lot easier to tune out thank God.

So that brings me to today. I've been studying for my physics lab final on monday. I'm really glad school will be ending soon. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of studying so damn much and not having a social life. The other day in the SI office, everyone was telling me that if I applied myself I could actually have a decent social life (and by social life I essentially mean luck with the opposite sex). I see what they're saying. For one, my assets aren't horrible. I mean, I'm not an fugly slut or anything. I may not be the brighest person in the world, but I'd say I have an above-average IQ. So what's the problem? As I've mentioned countless times, it just seems that most girls are looking for more than what I have to offer. A nerd who stays in his room on the weekends reading science journals isn't exactly alluring to most women. I don't have a choice though. My research job requires heavy reading. I'm going to take the MCAT next august. I need to keep my GPA high. To me, it feels like losing time for any of those things will screw me in the long run. I know everything can't be perfect, but it sure feels like it has to be for me to have a good future.

Anyway--I guess in the midst of my rambling the point I'm trying to make is that I'm very lonely and school sucks. Unless I find somebody who understands what I'm going through, then I guess things will stay that way. god damnit.
 
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In memory of my grandfather   
05:48pm 05/11/2005
  My grandpa passed away a few days ago. We already had the funeral and everything, but I still feel like he's here with us. It hurts so much to walk by his room and see it empty...no bed, no pictures, no tv blaring loudly in Spanish...nothing. You know, I'll be honest. There were times when he severely got on my nerves. Taking care of him, feeding him, changing him...all of that took it's toll on me. Granted, my mom and my sister took care of him a lot more than I did, but when the time came for me to help it was still a hard thing for me to do. In spite of that burden and other ill-feelings I may have had, I'm so proud of him and the life he lived. After coming from mexico, he worked 40 years for the Coke company. He wasn't in an executive position or anything like that, but he just labored day and night loading up vending machines, driving trucks, delivering packages...all the blue collar stuff. Imagine doing that for 40 years. I can't even do blue-collar work for a day before I start bitching. And that's what I admire so much about him. He never bitched or complained about anything. He took what life gave him and made something out of it. Because he worked such long hours, he was able to afford Catholic school for his 6 children. And during that time he made it a priority to learn the English language so he could teach it to his children and give them better opportunities than he had. The result? They all turned out very successful. Two of my uncles graduated from UT with engineering degrees, my other uncle received a purple heart in vietnam. Before my aunt passed away, she was a highly respected social worker. Even my mom earned a business degree (although she quit working when she had me). It just warms my heart to see how someone like him, who wasn't well respected by his family or his peers, who wasn't charismatic, who wasn't in a "prestigious" career, could impact so many people and help pave the way for their success. I'm so proud of him. Lately I've been complaining for a while that I haven't felt inspired to do anything. Through his passing he has given me so much pride in my family and in my culture that I feel more inspired than I ever have before. I'll always love him for that. God rest his soul.  
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wow   
03:02am 26/10/2005
  the astros are the biggest choke jobs i've ever seen in my life. even worse than the 2002 sacramento kings  
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stop the motherf*ckn presses   
01:19pm 07/10/2005
  *dusts off keyboard*

Hello everyone. I haven't updated in about 5 weeks, which in livejournal time corresponds to three and a half years. Since you can now assure yourself that I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, I suppose I'll let you in on all the the activities that have kept me away from valuable computer time. The first of these is school. School sucks ass this semester, and it appears as if my 4.0 reign is about to come to a close because of BIO III. Suprisingly, I don't mind it too much because i like that class the most. I've learned so much. My professor is an environmental lawyer and knows his shit. My other classes are going pretty well, and so far physics isn't destroying me as I thought it would be. Speaking of dstruction, the chem II class I SI for will be responsible for the destruction of...oh...let's see...130 grade point averages. The professor is new and has no idea what the hell she is doing. The result? Nobody scored higher than a 55 on the first exam. I guess what pisses me off is this sorta makes me look bad as their SI leader. In reality, I do not have the time nor patience to relecture every single topic covered in that class. The one thing that did assuage my fear was that the topics that I did cover in SI my frequent attendees had no problem with on the exam. Unfortunately, it still didn't stop them from filing complaints to the chemistry department about her. Some people can be so cruel.

Those things aside, I finally got a job in a lab. I won't be getting paid, so I guess "job" isn't the appropriate word to use for it. Nor will I be somebody's monkey boy and fetch things while they do all the important work. Hence, I wouldn't say it's "volunteering" either. Whatever it is I think I'm in store for something cool. The professor does research on all the morphological/chemical aspects of neurons and their affects on cognitive ability in rats and mice. It's a mouthful, but I'm just glad to be a part of something after looking for so long.

Hmm..anything else...oh yeah, I picked up trash on the side of the road the other day, and then I assisted bikers in some marathon thing. It was fun.

So it turns out I have a life now, but I still haven't gotten laid or ass-numbingly drunk. Some things never change.
 
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vent   
08:11pm 20/09/2005
  i hate it when nothing, absolutely nothing, goes my way. i really fucking hate it, because no matter how hard i try to make the best of the situation i'm in, it appears to be getting worse every week. i thought i'd be okay, but i've realized that i have no safe haven in my life right now. i hate being at home. i hate being at my job. i hate being at school. i hate my classes. i'm so god damn frustrated with everything. right now i just feel like getting away from everyone and everything. i dont know how much longer i can put up with all this bull shit.  
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i heart calculus   
12:56pm 17/09/2005
  i like calculus.  
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random thoughts   
06:38pm 17/08/2005
  --Never have I put so much stock into the meaning of a fortune cookie I obtained 2 weeks ago.
--I don't believe in people anymore. It's as simple as that.
 
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sigh   
09:35pm 13/08/2005
  it's so hard to stay hopeful.  
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memo to self:   
11:27am 05/08/2005
  don't give up too easily.  
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General Christopher's Last Stand   
09:36pm 29/07/2005
  It ends tonight.  
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